So i've been back in Australia for about 2 months now.

The excitement of being back home has no passed, and i find myself feeling slightly empty.
I feel like i've just gotten off the roller coaster of a lifetime and now my life has just kind of stopped.

I don't know what do to... I feel like i have moved on from here, and i know that my friends and family feel that too.

Gahhhh i'm so sick of bloody procrastinating!
I wish life would press fast forward, i want things to be interesting again. I like the adventure of life, i don't like watching it pass by...

Anyhow, I've now enrolled in a screen writing and production course - i'm doing that via correspondence so once i get my first module, least i'll be able to take my mind off things, studying something that i enjoy!

I know that this time in my life is a learning curb, and i keep reminding myself of that when i feel trapped and restless.

I just hope this moment passes soon!!

I went down to Sydney last week to see my father and brothers, whom i haven't seen in 3 years.
That went well, it was actually the most positive trip i've had down to my fathers!!
And i also recently went up to Mackay to catch up with friends and family.

Looking forward to the interesting side of life - i just have to find the courage to grab life by the balls!!!

wish me luck.
x

I think to call life a roller-coaster is about right.


You go up, you go down, and at times to coast right along....

I'm kind of confused to where i am on that roller-coaster right now.
I don't know if I'm still going down, coasting, or coming back up!!


My host mom moved out of the main house this Monday, and i was kicked out by my host father, so i ended up moving in with my host mom (host dad said he was 'f*cking miserable' and that he couldn't deal with me laughing around him - i get that i spose.)

Only thing is, Yes... I've moved in with my host mom buuutttt, i don't have a room there.... yeah i'm currently sleeping on a futon in the children's play room, Au - Pair sleeping in playroom.... Ironic much??

But life isn't bad, yeah i'm stressed out and shit, smoking wayyyy more than i should, but hey I'm still in America, i still get to see my au - pair mates and the best part of all is that my kick ass sister finally flies into Philly Aug 4th - so super duper excited about that one!!

Not sure when i'll be going back to Aus, it might be Sept it might be the original Oct, i think i'll find that out by the end of this week.
Either one is fine with me, i mean i'd love to stay the 'full year' and not just 11 months but once the kids are back at school i'm not needed as a care provider anymore so i understand why i'd be going home early - not to mention the unforeseen shitty circumstances, were all living in.

Separations a bitch....
Whom ever thinks splitting the kids up and breaking up the house is easy is so so so wrong...
I've been through it when i was a kid (COMPLETELY different circumstances, but it was separation non the less) but when your a kid you don't fully understand what the fuck is going on...

Living through it as an 'outsider looking in' - its turmoil, not to mention heart breaking.

But life is life and things will change, and we've just gotta keep rolling on :)

The roller-coaster will always go back up!! ;) right!!? hahaha

xoxo Bekka

You know what its like, everything seems fine, everyone's acting fine, but finally you figure out nothing fucking fine.

Whats with that?

Everyone's become so good at acting that they believe the lives (yes lives) they weave into place to 'protect' themselves...

America has been such an eye opener in so many ways for me...

I watch people live in their own denial - i watch the people around them live in the same 'perfect' denial oblivious to the reality that lurks in the shadows.

A bomb has been accidentally placed in my lap and i'm waiting to see whether it detonates or not.

What I've got to remember is that i'm here for the kids - thats my job.

Thought id post the bands i've been listening to a lot lately!!

My ipod has been beaten to death by these peeps for a solid month now! haha

Ok so theres the Normal 30 Seconds to Mars ,
the new and awesome Neon Trees (if you haven't heard them go right on and itunes them..NOW! they're cool kids...
Phoenix - damn their latest album kicks ass!
Silversun Pickups
The Bloody Beetroots
and Pink

This last month or so i've been listening to much 'lighter' music... which is cool because its up beat! and funky monkey!! haha


On a random note, on the 20th of May i am getting my gross curly hair chemically straightened!!
I'm also considering getting a full bang like Anna Hathaway on The Devil Wears Prada!

I've found these wicked RayBans that when i have saved up enough dough will be coming home with me!!
Totally cute and $130 bucks... still pricey buuuutttt i'm going to go ahead and get them anyway.

I'm off to NYC this weekend - seems ill be going there alot this month, but i really enjoy that city, i could live in Soho or somewhere like that one day!!
Its Sophie's birthday and her host mom is paying for a room for us all right in times square!!
shall be pretty swell i think!!

Casey dearest flys into JFK next sat all the way from Mackay - Australia, it will be GREAT to see her again, can't wait to hang out with another aussie and get my aussie slang back! haha.
Missing my sissy poo heaps, but shit happens and hopefully i see her soon!
I mean i'm back home to Australia in 6 months so i can manage ;)


Things have eased up at work/home which is good...
The road was a tad bumpy for a month but i'm glad everything's back on track!
Makes life alot easier when your work and home life (esp if u live where you work!!) are steady and not filled with friction.

Aunty Simone wants me to Audition for the Hairspray musical happening is Aus, theoretically id LOVE TO but in all honesty my voice just isn't strong enough....
and i know that sounds like a cop out, but seriously its all un trained and gay.. :S
But of course im sure even if i had the most spectacular voice in the world, id still be too chicken shit to audition...
I hate myself for that...
I wish you could by confidence, but thats one thing you need to find within yourself ;)

To everyone who actually reads the nonsense i write - thanks =) and i hope your all happy, healthy and safe...
Talk to you soon!
xoxo Bek :) :)

Wow the last week and a half was great!!

I went from Doylestown, PA to Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, Toronto, NYC, Montclair and Philadelphia!

The main reason for this road trip was to see the band 30 Seconds to Mars play in random different cities!! Of course seeing the different cities and meeting/ catching up with mates was a major reason for going also!!

I must say though going 'on tour' you RARELY sleep!! so anyone wanting to do that as a career should really get used to the long car journeys and the MAX 5hrs per night sleep!
i LOVED every bit of it!!
in 10 days i honestly had about 20hrs sleep!
Managed to function quite bloody well too!!

Coming back to the normal everyday run of the mill life was a sucky blow!
reality bites! haha

MARS had 3 head lining bands for their tour, they were Neon Trees, MuteMath and Street Drum Corps.
Who are all fantastic i must say but i def liked SDC and Neon Trees the best!!

Its weird, when you follow a band around you come to see familiar faces, and those faces tell you stories about the bands - some of them u don't really need to know or hear.
But it is rather interesting how hearing what these people who you admire so much are really like in life can affect the way you listen to their music...

Though its also a humbling experience if that makes sense, because you see these people as real human beings, they arn't Gods, nor anything else like that, they are just people who love giving others a sense of belonging and whatever else through their music (or whatever else they may do)


I met some really cool people...
Met all the band members from Street Drum Corp, Neon Trees, MARS and MuteMath.
The peeps from Neon Trees rock(the band plus their team of helpers!), they're very down to earth - almost as if the 'we've made it' hasn't hit them yet, they are very humble and it was a breath of fresh air!!
No one really likes an arrogant person.

Street Drum Corp were also extremely down to Earth, my friend Korey and i were doing an interview with Tyler (the guitarist) when Adam Alt casually walked out of his bus with his Aunt and gave us all cookies.
Really genuine people - all of them.

As usual when your with a bunch of girls 24/7 shit goes down!!
the stupid stuff, that in a weeks time might actually be amusing but at the time of the 'incident' is fairly annoying!!
You know like crazy family fights in the car....
People name dropping others....
people leaving others out...
etc etc, all the shit you thought got left behind when you finished school, but didn't!

But for the most part it was an AMAZING experience!!
I got to go to Toronto Canada!! and its so beautiful there!
i got to participate in a Habitat For Humanity build in Toronto with a GREAT bunch of girls.

I laughed so hard i had tears on MANY occasions through-out the sweet adventure!
Got to get pictures with people i look up too, plus get lots with my new/old mates!

Saw some Crazy cities! some i love, others i was itching to get out of!!
it was just a great time!
loved every second of it. and would do it all again in a heart beat!

Until the next post Adios!
Bek xoxo

The whole band obsession started when I was about 17, you know how it is, have a fight with the parentals, you feel sorry for yourself and you turn up the stereo and lose yourself in your music for awhile.


Well that’s how it started with me I was having a shit time at home fighting constantly with my mother, and mum and I had a screaming match which got me kicked out of home for the millionth time.

So I went to a mates place and she gave me a cd and told me to listen to it…
Now trust me I wasn’t into that emo/rock stuff from the beginning, I thought it was a load of crap for un stable emotional fucks who couldn’t deal with life so they cut themselves to the sad feel sorry for yourself lyrics….

I was a real over opinionated kid, I still probably am, but I think ive gotten better, tough shit if I haven’t I suppose.

Anyways so I was given this bloody burnt cd because we were all broke as shit so legally buying a cd was just a joke, I eventually listened to the cd and that’s when it happened, I honestly cant tell you what it was about the sound, what it was about the lyrics, from that one time at age 17 Thirty Seconds To Mars became my favourite band.

After listening to A Beautiful Lie - their 2nd album I decided to go and buy - yep I used my youth allowance and bought their 1st self titled album!
Then I became engrossed in my music life, that became my reality for so long because my real life was so bad that I didn’t want to feel anything apart from the emotions the songs gave to me.

Everyone noticed the change in me, even I did, it wasn’t that I became a recluse and didn’t socialise it was kind of the opposite i became alive.

When I was 15 - 16 I got really bad depression.
-when I was a child I had a fucked up father who beat the shit out of my mother, then my step mother, killed a guy went to court over it and got away with it, then ‘dedicated’ his life to God and pretended to be a good man. Haha the bullshit of it all still amazes me to this day, the man was still running around beating the shit out of my then step mother, he was still moving drugs around for the gangs he was affiliated with, once every two years when id actually see the man, he’d emotionally bully my sister and I.

Then my mothers former boy friend was a child molester (clearly no one knew it at the time) and I was too young to know what was going on and once I figured it out I became an angry fucked up unstable teenager who hated life and didn’t want to be apart of it anymore.

This shit was all before MARS.
So after quitting school going on suicide watch and counselling for over a year I started to appreciate living again, at 17 I went back to school, started making friends and learnt how to smile!
I mean sure life was still fucked up, but you just some how get through, because you know even though you might be feeling the lowest of the low and your life might be the shittest its ever been, there is still others out in the world worse off and you just figure out life is a major learning curb, and even though I was learning some really horrible lessons really early on, better to learn them then than now… right?

So MARS became a major part of my life, they were having a concert in Sydney at the end of 06 and I was hell bent on getting there, they sold out by the time we got our internet to work, so I had to go on eBay and buy 2 of the scalped tickets, so it was hella $$ but in my eyes seeing them is worth their combined weight in gold!
So I buy the tickets (still on my centrelink pay - because I was a lazy mother fucker who thought that school was enough and I deserved to get paid for sitting on my arse rather than getting paid because I worked hard.)
Unfortunately the concert was on the same time some of my final exams were on so I wasn’t able to make it.
That sucked a major penis!
But I started going on the Thirty Seconds To Mars official site were you could talk to other fans and I started talking to people from all over the world on Kyte and Twitter even on face book!
It was like a new beginning! New friends, new time, more positive energy.

Speaking to these people was the one place I really felt like I belonged (as lame and as corny as that may sound)
But everyone was there for the exact same reason, the love of the music! The great music!
We all felt something when we sat down and listened to the songs, something powerful enough for us to all come together and be like a little dysfunctional worldwide family!

Then the Echelon received the email about the LA summits, and while we were friggen excited for all the lucky buggers who got to go, the rest of us were still disappointed that we couldn’t be apart of the AWESOME experience of being on the THIS IS WAR album!

But we should have known the guys would have done something brilliant, we should have known that they would have wanted anyone from WHERE EVER in the world to be apart of the MARS magic.

The Echelon receive another email… The global and Digital summits!!
Holy.bucket.of.shit……
This I HAD to go too!

But work was over the top with people being sick or on holidays so I knew id have to make up a really good excuse to be able to go…
So I made up a cousins wedding… and I flew all the way down to Sydney Australia to stay in a hotel with 3 strangers and we all had the BEST time!!

We rocked up to the digital summit and there were about 30 others hanging around waiting to join in on the good stuff, channel V came over and interviewed us and we all rambled on about our favourite songs and why Thirty Seconds To Mars are so special to us.

Then it was time, we all signed some waivers and we walked into the studio to be greeted by a friendly dude who put the LA summit video on and showed us what to do!
After about an hour or two it was all over, but holy shit it was the most surreal and fantastic thing id ever been apart of and I know all the girls I met there felt the same!
Once again id met some amazing people through the greatest band alive!


So in 2009 I decided I wanted to live in America for a year, now the only way I was really able to do that was with the work experience I had from Australia - childcare….
So I became an Au Pair and moved to America in October 09.
I’d studied childcare studies for 2 years in Australia whilst finishing my last years of school and I worked for a year and a half in a childcare centre before I left for America.
Trust me I really didn’t wanna come to America to look after someone elses kids fulltime but I used the work experience I had to get me to the country where I wanted to go too!

All through my childhood America seemed like the most interesting, perfect place to live! So once I was old enough naturally I figured out how to get here!
By the time I’d flown over to America and got settled in, Thirty Seconds to Mars’s 3rd album This Is War was about to be released!
I was going to be able to see them for the first time in America!
Can I get a FUCK YEAH!!


So with the friends id made on the internet - lol, we starting doing promo, getting sent stickers and posters and we put them all over the city I even sent stuff over to Australia for my family to stick places!

December 09 rolled around and MARS announced that they were going to do a few concerts around the US before they embarked oh their 2010 THIS IS WAR tour.
After a five minute very convincing conversation with my good friend Tashia I decided I was going to fly from PA to Cleveland Ohio for my first ever MARS concert!

So in the middle of a shitty snow storm I flew over to Ohio, well after being delayed for hours thinking I wasn’t even going to get there, I landed in Cleveland and got picked up by my MARS ‘mom’ Wendy!
I met up with Tashia at Wendy’s and there were a few other girls there and we all signed each others year books and decided to go to the House of Blues and start doing some decent promo before the concert that night.

Once we got there we started handing out posters and stickers to the SHIT LOADS of people who were there hours before the concert even began!
It was INSANE! It was amazing!
Tash and I were talking to some girl about doing more promo when Jared Leto himself strolled out of the kitchen and came over and said hello!
He asked us how we were, and that he’d see us later on that night.
Then after that we went outside and met Shannon Leto, gave him a hug and got our pictures taken with him!
That was awesome!
Hadn’t even seen them play and I had already met two of the band members!

After that it was pretty much time to line up and get ready for the shit fight for a good mosh pit position!
Fucking hilarious…
But we ended up getting a decent position on the left hand side of the area so we were right in front of Tomo playing!
The concert was fanfuckingtastic no word of a lie, it was the best concert I’ve seen!
And I’ve been to a few!
I also might be slightly biased but who gives a shit in my mind they rocked that place out hardcore!

After that concert I was on the biggest high for the next week, you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
Then life went back to normal, working, eating, sleeping, hanging out with the girls.
All the usual boring shit.
A few months ticked by whilst we all impatiently waited for the US tour dates to come out!
Then finally at the end of Feb or Early March 2010 we got the email!!


The day the US tour dates came out I stalked the MARS page the entire morning waiting for the 10am presale to start!
The girls that I went and stayed with at the Cleveland concert decided that we were going to go to 5 of the East Coast concerts!
We bought tickets to see them in Chicago, Detroit, Toronto, NY and Philly.
I’m taking a week off work to have a massive MARS road trip with my newly found American friends!

Whilst we’re in Toronto we are going to help build a house with Habitat For Humanity!
Yesterday we also got told that there will be another concert in NJ the day after the NY one so we’re now also considering going to that one also.

I know it seems nuts to most people to spend your whole entire months wages on going to see the same Band 5 or 6 times in one week, and yeah maybe it is, but for right now, all these little adventures keep life interesting and worth being apart of!

So tonight as every other night, i was sitting at my computer checking my usual sites, twitter, fb, homail, blog and msn, when i read an email from my mum, telling me to read this chicks blog...


so i click the link and start reading it (as you do) wowzers it was intense, straight away i was like wtf why is mum making me read this deep arse some what troubled ladies blog!!

So mum tells me too keep reading because i'll find something i can relate too...
then i found the blog about her dreams...
I read about how she wanted to be an actress and even got into NYU!! but unfortunately a boy and drugs got in her way and she gave up...

That post of hers really got to me...
It breaks my heart that its so easy to let go of your dreams then live off regret and what if's...
I don't EVER want to do that to myself...

I think we all need to man the fuck up when it comes to living our dreams.
God didn';t give us drive,passion and the dreams we dream to sit there on our asses and WISH for something to happen...

Sure, good thing do come to some who wait, but when its your mother fucking dreams, there is no waiting.,.. you either go out there and fucking chase em, or you live the rest of your life in the "i settled" category, and honestly who wants to live there... all that place does is harvest animosity and you guessed it... regret... and what if's.

so here is a little section of this girls post that i liked, you should check out the rest of your blog also, you never know you might find something that relates to you and your life ;)

SO TAKE IT FROM ME...don't ever, ever, EVER give up on your dream, no matter how impossible it may at first seem or how many times your dad tells you it's a waste of time. tell your dad to piss off and you just keep on truckin'. that's what makes the great dream so sweet; the challenge of the journey really is the destination. so ignore your doubts and the haters that implanted them. do your thing no matter what. because when you give up on your dream, you give up on yourself and when you give up on yourself...
...you're already dead. "

Check her out its pretty good.

And i agree 100% never give up on your dreams... They were bestowed on your for a reason, and even if no one else in the world believes in you, believe in yourself and show the world you made it!!

xox Bek :)

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Pennslyvania, United States
I come from the land down under! Though i currently live in PA.

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